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12月7日 Something from your BFF (Best Felon Friend)I have developed a nearly paralyzing fear over the past few months. I'm going to share it with you, not because you'll have a solution, but because I'm all about me and my problems, thank you very much.
Here in the County of the Mildly Mentally Retarded, the sheriff's office is looking for a part-time 911 dispatcher. Oooooh! The PERFECT job for a nosy, siren-chasing, adrenaline junkie like me! Ooooh! Nearly $14 an hour to start! Perfect for a woman who has made nearly $14 an hour less than that for almost four years! Nights? Weekends? Holidays? Perfect for a woman who can't sleep anyway, and also hates making a fruit salad and driving two hours to hobnob with in-laws and other normal, decent people! Ability to multi-task? I'm a mother, aren't I?
In other words: Hello, lover. We were made for each other. I'm gonna dispatch the hell out of---SCREEECH!!
"...Criminal background check required."
The phrase seems so innocuous to the average person. For the rest of us, however, it is the death knell, so to speak. Does it say you have to pass the criminal background check? As in, not have a criminal background?
No, no it doesn't actually say that. But it means that. It means that if your fingerprints appear on their magical "BAD PERSON!! ALERT! BAD PERSON!! DO NOT HIRE!!" screen, you will not get the job. You will not get an interview. You will not get a second look. Your glowing resume will be crumpled angrily into a ball and tossed -- immediately! -- into the Garbage For the Resumes of Bad People.
Same goes for the application that bears the words "Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If so, explain." Then there are two lines, approximately 1/8-inch apart, to allow for an explanation of the event that forever changed your life.
Again: innocuous. If you are someone who simply writes "no," then moves on to the next question.
Could I lie? I guess. But then I'm a liar, too, and if I'm discovered -- which in my world, would most definitely happen, perhaps because I can't keep my own mouth shut about anything -- I become a fired liar.
It's a funny world. Life isn't fair. I know that if I had the chance to explain myself, I'd probably get hired, because I'm hard-working, and smart, and likeable. I actually want to work.
I told someone the other day that I was considering going to a strip club, wherein I would offer my services as a dancer -- with a twist:
I would begin the set naked. As the patrons become increasingly disturbed by my naked, floppy dancing, they would realize that tipping me handsomely would be the safest, quickest way to stop the attack on their senses, so to speak.
I end up completely -- and stylishly, I might add -- clothed, with a tube sock full of tens and twenties! Win-win! I figure I can do up to eight sets a night, because things should move fairly quickly once the onslaught begins.
See? I told you I was smart!
Aaaaahhh. Felony: the gift that keeps on giving.
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